A Letter to Billy Packer

Dear Billy Packer:

Why? Why do you insist on working in the phrase "people say Duke gets all the calls" during the basketball games?

Who do you think you’re fooling, with the “people say.” The people saying it is you, Billy Packer. You say it, and the others follow. Why you gotta do that, Billy? Do you think it’s funny? Funny like a clown? Does it amuse you? I know you’re mad that Wake is out of it, but please, I beg of you: Stop feeding the haters.

There is plenty of Duke hatred to go around, you know that, silly Billy. Tonight, for example, Charlotte Coliseum - ostensibly a "home court advantage" for my Blue Devils. Well, you and I both know this is actually one of the most antagonistic places possible for a Blue Devil to play. Why? Because the city of Charlotte is jam-packed full of Carolina blue, and those folks all turned out to cheer against Duke tonight. (It is a little sad – nay, scary - that the Carolina fans cheer louder and stronger against Duke than they cheer for their own team. It makes me feel a little bit sorry for the Tarheel basketball team. But I digress.) I know they were probably also mad because Coach K is now the winningest coach in Tournament history? Over Dean Smith? So Billy, you see, you don't need to egg them on.

Billy, I am asking you politely: Don’t do it. You are a professional. Please try to keep your Duke venom to yourself. Plus, you just seem crazy when you keep inserting your catch-phrase into conversation, willy-nilly, as in, “… people say Duke get all the calls, but not tonight. Or the last game. Well, or the one before that, but that is indeed what people say, Jim …”

Thank you, Billy Packer, for your time and attention to this matter. This basketball tournament is giving me hives, and I don’t need you adding to my insanity.

Love,
Me