I'm so tired right now.

The oddest things have been waking me up during the night lately, and it's really starting to bug me. Living in a small town in Idaho is turning out to be noisier and more stressful than it was living above a seedy bar in Chicago. Here's a sample of what has happened to me during the past few evenings, while I'm innocently trying to get my sleep:

• Three or four nights ago, I was sleeping and suddenly the door that goes to the deck started rattling, and there was a great pounding on it. The shutters were shaking, making a big racket. I turned on the light and peeked out the door and SLAP was doused with the water from a broken sprinkler. I found my way to the sprinkler and shoved the broken (?) hose into the ground. I'm sure I did not do the right thing, but I don't know how to fix sprinklers and I just wanted to go back to bed.
  
  
• Fourth of July weekend, my dad was visiting. In the middle of the night I woke up to the sound of him loudly saying, downstairs, "Wait a minute. Just wait a minute, now. Where do you think you are?" Half-asleep, I assumed he was mad at my dog for jumping on the bed (she is allowed to sleep on my bed, but not his). So I am croaking, "Be nice, Dad!" when I realize that there is a woman's voice downstairs, too. A really, really drunk woman.
  
  This wasted chick came onto our deck, opened my parents' bedroom door and walked on in, apparently thinking it was the house next door, where she was visiting friends. She and my dad had this rambling conversation that I could hear from upstairs:
  
  Dad: Where do you live?
  Drunkie: Umm.....
  Dad: Are you with the wedding next door? Here, I'll show you.... [walking towards the front door]
  Drunkie: No, I live here.
  Dad: You don't live here, but do you live in this complex?
  Drunkie: Yesss. You're greatsss! Thank you! Bye bye!
  
  
• We have coyotes around here, and they are noisy. I don't mean the yipping and howling that sounds kind of cool from a distance, like when you're in the desert or something. I mean the noises they make when they come into your yard and literally start shrieking. I guess you'd call it a "bark," but it is the most bone-chilling scary-ass noise I have ever heard. I am 36 years old and I honestly thought there was a monster on my porch the first time it happened.
  
  
• Last night I woke to the sound of noisy smacking and snacking and cracking. I groaned and tried to pretend it wasn't happening, because I was sure that one of the cats had brought in a mouse and was chowing down. But I got up and wandered to the hallway, where the biggest fricking racoon I've ever seen was sitting there, digging around in my gray messenger bag, and going to town on the baggie of trail mix I had left in there. He was seriously like, knee-high, and fat, and totally unconcerned that I was there. I said, "Oh no! Oh no! Go! Go away! How am I going to get you out of here?" The racoon looked at me, then grabbed a Balance Bar out of the bag, totally ignoring me. Rude! My mom's giant cat was sitting there watching him, like 2 feet away. I can't believe they weren't fighting, or hissing, or whatever. So I picked up the cat and threw him in the bedroom and shut the door, then went back to the racoon. In my sleepiness, I nearly leaned over to pick him up, too, but then I remembered the rabies, and picked up a flip-flop, instead, and waved it around at him. He ran out the cat door (aha!) and off into the yard. I don't think I'll be leaving the cat door open any more.
  
  Also: My dog, who barks bloody murder whenever I have a friend over, didn't even lift her head from her snooze. Nice guarding, dog.
  
  

So that's why I am bleary-eyed right now. Ugh, and I just became someone who blogs about her cats. Kill me.