February 11, 2005

Have you got the guts?

This is a voice mail message I received at my job at a newspaper a few years ago. I often got messages from random people with "news stories," but this is one of my favorites:

Yes, this is Theodore ___. I have a story I think the Times might be interested in.

The Central Intelligence Agency, they basically stole my sperm without my permission when I was fifteen years old. I now have a hundred million children, biological offspring. They include Shaquille O'Neal, Chris Weber, Glenn Robinson, Grant Hill, Brandy, every black boy in the first round of the NFL draft this year, and many, many, many other famous celebrity children. And there are many, many, many, many other children. I have never received a cent.

The Supreme Court had all the records sealed. I can't file records to a court. They sealed the records. I think this is a story that America needs to hear.

I have one hundred million biological offspring. Not one hundred. Not one thousand. Not one hundred thousand. One hundred million. They include Shaquille O'Neal, Chris Weber, Grant Hill, Nick Van Exel, Keyshawn Johnson, they go on and on and on. It was a Central Intelligence Agency experiment.

I have one hundred million children, did you hear me? There are thousands of people at the Central Intelligence Agency who have power of attorney over me.
[?] Which is forgery. [??] This is an extremely complicated matter which involves the Kennedy assasination. [Ah. Here we go.]

You should get in touch with me as soon as possible. If there is any kind of reporter in the United States with any courage or any kind of guts to break a true story, then he should call me at this number.

You know, I did decide to pass on this scoop at the time, but if there are any reporters out there who are interested in contacting the man with the world's most potent sperm, let me know.

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