A recap of this week's episode of The Hills - Puritan Style!

episode aired Monday, 9/1

People’s Revolution in L.A. It came to pass that Goody Lauren did come into the workspace of Goody Whitney. Whitney did tell unto Lauren of her plan to go unto the city of New York at the behest of Boss Goody Kelly. And they did exclaim with surprise at the quickness of the travel request. And then did Lauren tell Whitney that she needs must break up with Doug forthwith as to the lack of spark. Whitney herself is not surprised.

Fashion school. Lauren did come into the wall whereupon Goody Stephanie did sit. Stephanie proclaimed woe woe woe! that she hath been disowned by Spencer. Lauren doth not protest nor care greatly. Goodies Lauren and Stephanie remain everly friends.

People’s Revolution in NYC. Whitney doth come into the domain of Boss Goody Kelly who wailed mightily to the very skies of Whitney’s lateness following her journey. Yea Whitney did behave most humbly before Kelly, and all were pleased at her obeisance. These women then did they watch carefully the men who wore little clothing, gathered to be models for The Revolution. Fair Goodman Alex did talk to Whitney about USC, upon which Kelly leapt with glad heart and did invite them to share drinks. And they agreed to do this thing.

And Goody Heidi and Spencer did sit at table (tho certain they did not eat of righteous carbs), and thus did Heidi enquire unto Spencer about his relations with his Sister Stephanie. And by the mightiness of his anger and self-righteousness did Spencer confound all who heard his response. Heidi did gape.

And Lauren and Goodman Brody did come unto the place called Sushi Roku. Lauren didst tell of her arm bangles, those known as “sparklies” and those known as “friendships.” Yea, and Brody did enquire of her friends, and her answer was that she does call Stephanie her friend. And Brody did fall to the ground, crying, “Woe unto you who remain blind! Press Stephanie with stones! Throw her from a high place!” Yea and he did cry mightily for three days and three nights. And those that were with him changed the subject. And they did talk of olde days of nakedness and Lauren did tell Brody of her fraught journey with Doug. And it came to pass that Brody was not surprised about this.

Bar in NYC. Whitney and Alex do descend upon this place. Kelly does not appear, but Whitney durst remain to entertain Alex. And they walk the city hither and yon and the evening is fullsome.

And lo, did Lauren descend upon the place of Stephanie. And Stephanie spake saying that she dost even now talk to her hamster for friendship. And it was the time for Lauren to tell Stephanie that the hamster, nay, is a guinea pig. Stephanie did consider this. And lo, Stephanie did respond that the erstwhile hamster is now become such a guinea pig. And it came to pass that Lauren and Stephanie were bewildered.

And Whitney is sorely troubled about plentiful rainfall in New York as she walks with Alex. And he does answer her questions, and after half a year of this they did go their ways satisfied.

Whitney and Lauren, back in Los Angeles. Whitney did tell of her perilous journey and virtuous meeting with Alex. Lauren did talk even more worriedly of Doug and Whitney advises for Lauren not to settle.

And lo, did Stephanie descend upon the place of Spencer. Yea did she grovel at his feet, tearing her hair and giving gifts unto him who even so doth not deserve acclaim, as we be abhorred of him. And it came to pass that Spencer was happy with the gifts, but still refused to be friends with his Sister.

And it came to pass, after the space of an episode, that Lauren came to the domain of Doug. And Lauren did break up with Doug. Tho firstly Doug gnashed his teeth and wailed to the skies, eventually he considered the full import and was amazed at Lauren’s wisdom. And they shall remain friends.